Note : I was inspired by this website www.the-editing-room.com . Thanks, that website guy, Rod Hilton.
THOUSANDS OF THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO
A caveman, who has just discovered fire, is celebrating. Suddenly, there is a flash of light and voila a Time Machine/Teleporter shows up and Shah Rukh Khan steps out of it.
Caveman
Hey, who are you?
Shah Rukh Khan
I am Shah Rukh Khan and I would like to congratulate you on discovering fire. Now, I want you to tell a story to your kids, who will in turn tell their kids the same story. Tell your kids that in the year 2011, I will be producing and starring in this movie Ra.One and I want your descendents to watch it. Happy Hunting Bro!
CUT TO DECEMBER, GAMING CYBER CAFE, 2010
A bunch of kids are enjoying themselves in a marathon counter strike session, on their computers powered by NVIDIA. Suddenly, there is a flash of light and voila a Time Machine/Teleporter shows up and Shah Rukh Khan steps out of it.
All the kids
Hey, who are you?
Shah Rukh Khan
I see that you are all enjoying gaming. Now, you can play the character of G.One on mobile and Playstation! Also, don’t forget to watch my movie almost a year from now. That movie will help you solve math problems, keep your clothes clean and give everyone in the class 1st rank!
CUT TO JANUARY, MCDONALD'S BURGER JOINT, 2011
A couple are standing in a McDonald’s counter, buying a burger for their 11 year old kid. Suddenly, there is a flash of light and voila a Time Machine/Teleporter shows up and Shah Rukh Khan steps out of it.
Couple
Hey, who are you?
Shah Rukh Khan
I see that you are buying snacks. With every purchase, you can get stickers, posters and what not. Also, at the end of this year, you can watch my movie. That movie will help you solve your marital problems, give both of you a pay hike and reduce the price of petrol!
CUT TO SEPTEMBER, THE LARGEST CITIES, THE SMALLEST TOWNS, FARMERS FILLED VILLAGES AND ALSO SLUMS, 2011
All the 7 billion people in the world, irrespective of race, cast, sex, age and nationality are aware that the movie Ra.One will be released soon. Finally a month later, the movie itself gets released in poorly converted 3D.
CUT TO POWER POINT PRESENTATION, PRESS CONFERENCE, UK
Shahana Goswami is presenting a new technology from her gaming firm, which, just like the movie is original and path breaking and promises to solve problems of the world like hunger and social inequality. She uses word like Satellite, Rays, Frequencies, Virtual, Computers and Technology so that it feels like a science fiction movie.
Newspaper Correspondent #1, UK newspaper
I apologize, but you are adding two Hindi words for every English word. This being UK, shouldn’t you be conducting a press conference in English?
Shahana Goswami
God, I am too hot for this shit! I am out of here.
CUT TO CLASSROOM, UK
Armaan Verma is dreaming that Shah Rukh Khan is driving in a gaming world with long hair and six packs. Eventually Shah Rukh Khan faces off against Sanjay Dutt in a poorly attempted deconstruction of Super Heroes and Heroes in general. A cleavage bearing Priyanka Chopra is also there. Finally, the scene ends with Armaan Verma being woken up by his teacher.
Teacher
Are you dreaming in class again?
Armaan Verma
It was about Shah Rukh Khan rescuing a female in danger.
Teacher
You had a dream where Shah Rukh Khan is rescuing Priyanka Chopra? You dreamt that she is in a red dress with a lot of leg and cleavage shown and says things like ‘He has a big gun!’ You are like 10.
CUT TO DINNER TABLE, HOUSE, UK
Director
Why do not you tell about the movie and the characters?
Shah Rukh Khan
I am portraying a guy who was born in Tamil Nadu. I thought it is funny because; well, check out my Tamil accent. Also, please watch as my Tamil accent drop frequently to let my normal accent take over. That is part of the joke. Also, please enjoy my references to boobs, because that is funny too. Also, enjoy references to condom, because everyone should practice safe sex. Also, did you not just enjoy the opening with endless references to my earlier movies and if you are confused whether it was a parody or an action scene, don’t fret, neither could we.
Armaan Verma
I am the cool kid. I am also a hacker. I like villains. I also hate my dad. I disrespect him. Given these characteristics, every kid watching this movie will aspire to be like me! I also use words like ‘whoop his ass’ ‘dude’ ‘what the fish’ because that is how an Indian kid will grow up to be if he is raised in UK.
Kareena Kapoor
I am Kareena Kapoor. I am the hot mom of ten year old Armaan Verma, though no amount of suspension of belief can make you think I am a mom with a ten year old child.
CUT TO GAME STUDIO COMPANY, UK
Dalip Tahil
We are building a game exclusively for the Indian market, despite being a UK based game studio, filled with mostly Indian employees. This sure is science fiction because, given the levels of piracy in India, we will recover ever pence spent on the game within hours of the game being released!
Shahana Goswami
A game is all about software, zeroes and ones. Still we have built this device, which looks like a cheap knock off what you saw in Iron Man almost 3 years ago. Now, if you will excuse me we will have a discussion about naming the villain, who will be called, surprise! Ra One!
Chinese Guy
Wait, is this like Raavan, the mythological guy in the great Epic Ramayana? Does it mean the movie will have subtle references to the concepts of idealism discussed in the epic of Ramayana, such as being an ideal son, ideal father and an ideal wife?
Shahana Goswami
We are just borrowing the name and we are stopping at that. Also, please enjoy this animated sequence which tells the rules of the same. It is very innovative and…
Guy who has watched too many movies
This is just like the animation used in the first Jurassic Park movie, to explain the dinosaur concepts.
Shahana Goswami
Did you not check the writing credits on imdb? We had 7 writers onboard, and all the ideas appearing in the movie are completely original. Now, we play this game by wearing a suit. The suit becomes you and you become the suit. Also, you have to wear this blue source battery…
Guy who has watched too many movies
(Shouting) Just like in Iron Man!!!
Shahana Goswami
(Ignoring the guy shouting about Iron Man) So, you have to wear this source battery and what you do comes up on the screen.
Future Gamer
In an age and time when gaming companies are struggling to sell consoles, which are nothing but hardware boxes, you are thinking of selling an entire suit? I can see the share price of your gaming company dropping as we speak. Not to forget the minor fact that, you expect gamers to stand and jump and run and so on. Good luck with that!
Shahana Goswami
God, I am too hot for this shit! I am out of here.
CUT TO DESTRYOED LAB/GAMING STUDIO COMPANY
The whole Lab is destroyed following a few sequences which defy every known science law, every rule of human logic, the villain from the game transport himself into a doll in the real world. Somehow, it also carries with it all the villainous traits like anger and shit. It does not have a face yet but sure knows how to interact with the real world, despite the fact that he has been programmed to operate exclusively in a combat arena.
Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!)
Are you Lucifer? I need to kill Lucifer.
Chinese Guy
If I am not Lucifer, will you let me live?
Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!)
I will still kill you.
Chinese Guy
So, if I am Lucifer, you will kill me. If I am not Lucifer, you will still kill me. What’s up with you?
Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!)
Dude, I came out of a beta version of a game designed by an Indian gaming company, based in UK, making games with weak business plans with the Indian gaming market as the target! What do you expect from me? Genius level intellect and uncommon common sense?
Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!) kills Chinese Guy. Then he proceeds to take over his body and destroy the Lab. Then he starts chasing Shah Rukh Khan, who is driving a yellow product placed car. Finally Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!), faces off against Shah Rukh Khan.
Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!)
Are you Sarah Connor?
Shah Rukh Khan
What? Dude, did you download all the sci-fi action movies in the time it took you to locate me? This is not the terminator movie.
Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!)
Oops! Sorry, I mistook myself to the Terminator, given how many things I have copied from that movie. Okay, are you Lucifer? I need to kill Lucifer.
Shah Rukh Khan
I am Lucifer, so kill me. I need to show that I love my son and hence I am willing to sacrifice my life.
Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!)
Sacrifice? You are doing this for a higher cause like war, peace, chocolates?
Shah Rukh Khan
So far we have shown that my son is a dick but I still love him. My sacrifice will prove that I am willing to give my life, so that I can finally earn his respect!
Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!)
Well, sorry to disappoint you, but after I kill you, I will make sure that it will look like you died in an average Joe car accident. Though, I have to admit, why despite being in the real world for less than an hour, I have no idea why I am already thinking like top level criminal. So, how does your sacrifice achieve your respect earning activities?
Shah Rukh Khan
Fucking robot!!! Just kill me so I can be reborn as the superhero!!! Fucking shoot me!!! Just fucking thrown a fireball or something you fucking dumb fucking robot!!!
Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!)
It has been well established that my beef is with this Lucifer, whoever the hell that is. Why am I killing random strangers? I mean, I just killed an old Chinese woman, just because she was Chinese. I even said that line ‘I hate chinese’. That’s Class A racism, right there. The Irony is, I said ‘I hate chinese’ while being portrayed by a Chinese actor. Pretty cool, eh?
Shah Rukh Khan
Dude, I don’t fucking care for the poorly written scenes that are being written around the concept of the villain. Not to forget that you are villain purely motivated to kill a child, which I am sure will go down well with the family filled audiences. I am pretty sure audiences will love that! Just kill me already!!!
CUT TO POORLY WRITTEN, POORLY SCORED, POORLY EXECUTED CAR CHASE SCENE
Kareena Kapoor is driving with Armaan Verma, while being chased by Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!), still being portrayed by the Chinese Guy.
Kareena Kapoor
If the villain is portrayed by Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!); why the hell are we still stuck with this Chinese actor?
Armaan Verma
These chase scenes require extensive stunt work and there is no fricking way, Arjun Rampal is going to do it!
Kareena Kapoor
We are already halfway through the movie!!! Where is Shah Rukh Khan in blue, tight suit?
Armaan Verma
We are once again, copying concepts from the Iron Man movie. The hero does not show up till the pop corn is bought in the interval!!!
Kareena Kapoor
Okay, it has already made clear that neither Shah Rukh Khan nor Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!) are destructible. So, this whole action scene, where some 10,000 cars are being thrown around is pointless.
Armaan Verma
I am more concerned with how negatively India is being portrayed in this movie. I mean, when we are happy, we like to live in UK. However, now that my father is dead, we are sad and returning to India. So, good times = Foreign Country. Bad Times = India.
CUT TO AIRPORT UK/AIRPORT INDIA
Since this is a kid’s movie, it is important that a gay security guard scans Shah Rukh Khan’s body. Also, to make sure people get that it is a gay thing, Shah Rukh Khan is wearing rings on his nipples.
Shah Rukh Khan
There you go, all the kids in the movie!!! Some gay references for your benefit!!! This is funny. Unless, I have not made it clear so far, this is a kid friendly family movie.
Kid in the movie hall
Dad, why is the security guard staring at Shah Rukh Khan’s pants?
Dad (Totally uncomfortable and regretting bringing his kid to the movie)
Well, son, Shah Rukh Khan has kept some rats in his pants, that is why?
Kid in the movie hall
Why is Shah Rukh Khan carrying rats in his pocket?
Dad (Totally uncomfortable and regretting bringing his kid to the movie)
Just watch the movie son. Don’t ask too many questions.
Shah Rukh Khan
Kids, again, let me grab Kareena Kapoor boobies!!! He he, it is funny. Laugh everybody!!!
Kid in the movie hall
Dad, can I grab my friend Rashmi’s boobies, when I go to class tomorrow. It might be funny, just like in this movie.
Dad (Totally uncomfortable and regretting bringing his kid to the movie)
No, you may not. That is rude, not to forget inappropriate. (To self) Those marketing assholes convinced me that this is a kid’s movie.
Kareena Kapoor
We are outside an airport and we have been fighting for almost 10 minutes and still not even a single cop has bothered to intervene. ARE WE COMMENTING ON THE SECURITY STATUS IN OUR COUNTRY?!!!
Shah Rukh Khan
Lets have a gratuitous cameo by super star Rajnikanth.
Super Star Rajnikanth
I can drown a fish. I can answer a missed call. I can make onions cry.
CUT TO TAMIL HOUSE, INDIA
Shah Rukh Khan makes a joke about condoms.
Kid in the movie hall
Dad, what is a condom? I did not get the joke.
Dad (Totally uncomfortable and regretting bringing his kid to the movie)
it’s sort of like a balloon, which costs 10 times the price of a normal balloon. It is used to make balloon animals like a Dog or a Horse.
Kid in the movie hall
So, what is so funny about it?
Dad (Totally uncomfortable and regretting bringing his kid to the movie)
Just watch the movie son. Don’t ask too many questions.
CUT TO DILIP TAHIL's OFFICE, SOMEWHERE, SOMETIME
Arjun Rampal (Voice Only!) is now completely Arjun Rampal. He has somehow found Dalip Tahil’s office because he wants to show that now, finally, almost at the end of the movie, he has a face.
Dalip Tahil
This is your look. It is just you, with a short hair cut and some fake tattoos. I finally understand why the villain was never revealed in the publicity.
Arjun Rampal
Dude, at least I am not wearing a wig!
Dalip Tahil
Wait, why are you doing the Batman voice? Sure this movie had seven writers? Also, what are you and Shah Rukh Khan made of? Plastic? Metal? Unobtanium? What do you guys eat? Will there be any explanation given to any of this? If you can change shape, why can’t you just change into a flying plane or a rolling ball or something?
Arjun Rampal
You are eating my head. Since, we are making up powers as the plot requires, I now have mind reading powers. Let me read your mind and find out where Lucifer is!!!
CUT TO TAMIL PLACE, BIRTHDAY PARTY
A family event is happening where all the family members are behaving in a completely family type fashion. To accentuate the familiness of the event, a bunch of girls in a green bikini start dancing. Finally Kareena Kapoor decides to dance as well in a totally sexy red top, which alone justifies the price of the movie ticket.
Kid in the movie hall
Dad, why cannot we have scantily clad women in our family events. Also, will mom take off her shawl and dance provocatively as well, so that all the family members can enjoy?
Dad (Totally uncomfortable and regretting bringing his kid to the movie)
Son, I am busy watching the movie right now. Go get a pop corn or something. (To self) Just look at that red top man!!!
CUT TO OUTSIDE/TRAIN CHASE/ENGINE ROOM
Arjun Rampal has taken over the shape of Kareena Kapoor! Then he tells Shah Rukh Khan that he has kidnapped both Armaan Verma and Kareena Kapoor.
Arjun Rampal
I am a villain in a super hero. Hence, just like Lex Luther in Superman and Green Goblin in Spiderman movies, I am giving you a sadistic choice. On one side, you can save your son. On another side, you can save Kareena Kapoor, who is brain washed into driving a train at high speed which is about to crash and everybody on the train will die.
Shah Rukh Khan
This is so not like that speeding train scene in Spiderman 2. It also does not remind me of that train scene in the super star Rajnikanth robot movie Enthiran. What is really bothering me is why you are doing this?
Arjun Rampal
What do you mean? I am making the sadistic choice, which every villain has to do.
Shah Rukh Khan
I mean, why do this? It has been well established that you simply want to kill Lucifer. Now, you have the kid, who is Lucifer. So, why exactly are you doing all this?
Arjun Rampal
Dude, I came out of a beta version of a game designed by an Indian gaming company, based in UK, making games with weak business plans with the Indian gaming market as the target! What do you expect from me? Genius level intellect and uncommon common sense?
Eventually, Shah Rukh Khan chases the train in a scene which has worse special effects than the Tamil movie Enthiran, despite having a higher budget. He finally reaches the train’s engine room and erases the mind control thing which was put on her by Arjun Rampal.
Kareena Kapoor
What, you two robots can now mind control human beings. Seriously, you guys are literally making up powers as the plot requires.
Shah Rukh Khan
Of course. So, are you alright?
Kareena Kapoor
I am fine, but why did you not just pull the emergency fail-safe breaks of the train.
Shah Rukh Khan
Well, you are asking me? I am just a video game character. Why did the hundreds of commuters in the train forget to pull the train’s break cable?
Kareena Kapoor
I am guessing, you are not the only who is losing out on plain old common sense.
CUT TO FINAL BATTLE OF THE MOVIE, GOD ONLY KNOWS IF IT IS THE REAL WORLD OR SOME SHIT BRAIN IMAGINATION THING
The final battle comprises of some Shah Rukh Khan and Arjun Rampal going at each other in moves slightly inferior to ten year old Mortal Kombat videogame. Finally, Arjun Rampal is defeated and dies by splitting into many light parts.
Arjun Rampal
I AM DYING LIKE AGENT SMITH FROM MATRIX!!! IF ONLY WE HAD AN 8TH WRITER FOR THE MOVIE, HE COULD COME UP WITH AN ORIGINAL DEATH SCENE FOR ME!!!! ALSO, IF THERE IS A SEQUEL FOR THE MOVIE, WILL IT BE CALLED RA ONE 2, EVEN THOUGH I AM DEAD? AAAIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Shah Rukh Khan
Dude, I also should die now. Despite being a game character, I understand that I have become like your father figure. This is a touching scene. Don’t cry now.
Armaan Verma
I have to cry. This scene is just like the ending of Terminator 2: Judgement Day.
Shah Rukh Khan
Damn it! I was hoping that you would not realise that. Anyway, even though I am a game character, I will miss you and I am sad too.
Armaan Verma
Despite being an unoriginal scene, this is a dramatic and effective death scene. I just hope we don’t ruin this scene by showing you 5 minutes later, alive and kicking.
Five minutes later, the movie shoes Shah Rukh Khan standing on top of a house, giving a badass super hero pose, telling everyone that we can expect Ra One 2: The Chase Begins again will be released. All the 3 people in the entire world who enjoyed this movie start celebrating and update their facebook status accordingly.
